I'm feeling so EXHAUSTED now.. lol.. today was a nice day.. went out wiv ah wei today.. i loved today very much =)) except for my leg pain thingy la.. my leg hurts so much.. i guess its bcuz i didnt shop for very long time ago la.. well.. we went to shop for our prom dress.. there's a few dress tht i reli reli like. but i dun remember to look for the price.. i just forgotten bout it.. i have to pay for my own dress cuz i had previously bought one and i just dislike it now.. cuz i look so childish in it.. well.. i guess i'm gonna buy the 2 dresses tht i reli like.. then i'll go n shop for some heels instead..

the lady tht needs to arrange our clothes after we try was so pissed off at us.. cuz we keep trying those dresses.. but i just love to try.. and those dresses are soo nice! tell me which one shud i choose.. i kenot decide!!

i don't know y but i am so emo recently.. izit bcuz of the manga tht i have been reading? was it because of the story tht makes me feel sad too? i have been thinking the whole nite laz nite.. i guess it was bcuz tht we're leaving sch this coming mon.. officially leaving.. cuz spm ends at this monday.. i think i'm just weird, ryte? few weeks ago i was still hoping tht spm could end faster so i wouldnt b a burden to me anymore.. but now i'm feeling sad tht m leaving sch and leaving all my classmates.. i'm crazy.. i rememered wht my mom told me few days ago when i was telling her bout my frens.. she told me tht frens come n go and our age.. i knew this from the beginning.. but i just find it hard to accept.. i mean.. i reli wanna find a TRUE fren.. a fren who wouldn't mind being there for u no matter wht.. a fren who would ask u out and shop together..a fren who would share anything to me.. a fren who i would reli open my heart.. lol.. but i guess it's just hard..

i think i'm emo cuz of this too.. i was and i have always been dreaming bout my future prince charming.. lol.. sounds crazy isn't it.. i have always been dreaming bout a guy.. who's rich.. i know those who r reading this post will think tht m just a materialistic gal like those gals out there.. but i wouldnt mind admittin this.. yes i am.. i love money.. so is it wrong or wht? money matters in this world,k? money makes this world goes round n round.. u nid money to continue living on.. or wht r u gonna eat for breakfast,lunch n dinner? i just dun wanna worry bout money so i nid a rich guy.. and a guy who would love me,care for me, understands me and endures me.. a guy who would see me as the whole world to him.. a loyal guy.. who wouldnt flirt around with gals out there.. but this kinda guy extinct redi.. rich guys are mostly very flirty or flowery heart.. or (like wht mymom have told me) they are mentally unstable. lol.. altho i knew tht this kinda guy extinct redi.. but i still keep hoping for a guys like tht to appear in my life.. and at the same time.. i do feel sad.. knowing tht my future prince charming only exist in my collection of mangas n novels.. lol..

ah.. yes.. and spm is gonna end this monday.. the last subject is biology.. and today is saturday.. i haven started reading yet.. i was thinking laz nite.. wht am i gonna do after spm?living aimlessly? i dun wanna have tht type of life.. i guess i'm just gonna work till college starts.. at least i wont have too much time to think nonsense.. as my brain is always working way too much on thinking nonsense.. after thinking all those crazy stuff, i'lll feel sad and miserable.. tht's crazy isn't it.. but tht's my way of living.. and i have been thinking.. wht is the reason for me to keep living on all these while?

have i finished talking about my mother? i reli don't know..there are really too many things i want to write about my mother.. or rather my family.. all ryte.. lets talk about my brother now.. i admit.. i treated him quite bad when i as in form1 and form2.. i reli hated him soo much.. during tht period.. mom and dad temporaly tried to divorce.. the seperated.. dad's living in KL while mom's living in JB.. we were sent to Penang.. living with my aunt.. thts another sad memory.. living with my aunt is not a happy thing.. she gave me lots of things to do.. sweep the floor, wash the toilet, dry the clothes.. but at least.. its at least so much more better than now.. living with my aunt.. i was being bullied by my cousin.. i'm not joking.. mentally bullied.. but it wasnt something really big deal.. tht was the time when i was really happy when i heard tht mom or dad's coming over to aunt's house.. and i would feel reli sad when they go bak.. but i never told this to anyone.. its ok.. when we were living with my aunt.. i c my brother as something who annoys me alot.. something who always tries to please everyone.. something who do not have guts at all.. he was somebody who i envied.. until now.. someone who would get all of my parents attention.. someone who would please my parents.. someone who kenot live independently due to the environment he has been brought up.. he's a kid tht kenot live by his own if he is being send to Africa.. he can't even cook himself a bowl of mee eventho he's 13years old now.. a guy who kenot even wash his own sch shoe.. a guy who kenot even do the house chores.. a guy who don't even have the sense of responsibility! my parents were the cause of everything.. i'm not blaming anyone.. but my brother was more a responsibled boy when he was living with my aunt.. my brother would help us with the chores when he's still living with my aunt.. and for now.. he wouldnt even bother to wash his own cup.. he wouldnt even bother to bring his own dishes to the kitchen altho he dun nid to wash it.. he wouldnt even bother to wash his own sch shoes.. to b honest.. my brother means alot to me.. and i reli mean it.. he means alot to it..

am i done talking about my dad? i don't know.. i have too many things in mind to write bout him.. i remembered him as a very unhappy part of the memories of my life... until now.. one more thing.. whenever he's not in the mood.. he would just come home n shout at everyone at home.. is this the correct way with handling stress and tensions? lets talk about my mother then.. mom's a really good person to be honest.. a good person if you're her fren.. not reli a good person when you know her well.. but noone's perfect in this world ryte.. i know.. the biggest mistake in my mom's life was to get married to my father.. thts my point of view.. and i think thts her point of view too.. as i have mentioned bout my dad before.. my mom loves my brother very much.. until she gives me everything to do.. she gave nothing to my brother.. i'm very confident in saying this.. i had been counting whther wht are the house chores tht i do at home.. i mop the floor, i sweep the floor, i fold the clothes, i wash the balcony everyweek, i bathe my dog, i wash the plates and i wash the toilet too.. sometimes i would just get lazy.. lazy to do those chores.. lazy to bathe the dog.. lazy to wash the balcony.. and she would just scold n scold.. and lecture me and told me some bad and insulting words like "don't try to act stupid again..'' do u know tht it hurts mom? although i did not show it.. there's just no sense of justice.. eventho i know tht nothing is fair in this world.. there are times when my back reli hurts alot too.. to b precise.. my back hurts all the time.. and she's still being so inconsiderate.. let me ask those ppl who are reading this post.. izit wrong or inappropriate to ask my brother to clear everything on his floor before i tidyhis room? my brother's room is always so dirty.. everything would be everywhere and all over his floor.. he would pick up those things.. and left some on the floor under the bed.. eventually i would sweep them out.. there are also some tht cant be swept.. its too deep under the bed.. and my mom would SHOUT at me.. ask me to BEND and sweep again.. she even blackmailed me tht she would ask me to sweep ALL OVER AGAIN.. lol.. and i would be angry.. complaining in my heart.. why she couldnt be considerate? lol.. i'm a coward.. i never dared to speak out.. i told her once.. it is my brother's room.. why am i the one who would being scolded when those things are still on the floor? thts my brother's room.. she said.. both of you are just the same.. lol.. whts the same? i don't know.. u know wht? my bro is already 13years old.. i'm still washing his school shoes for him.. eventho i'm not gonna wash my sch shoe for this week.. mom would still ask me [in the way of scolding] to wash my brother's shoe only.. and is this abit too much, those who are readin this post? just few days ago.. mom asked me to do some laundry.. i was quite rejecting her.. and u know wht she told me? she told me tht its everyones' duty in the family.. i asked her.. wht bout brother? he did nothing at all.. but sitting infront of the computer monitor and waiting to be sucked into the computer.. u know wht she said? she smiled and said brother is a diff story..lol.. after my research.. i came out a conclusion.. every sentence tht my mom talk to me.. bout 30% are actually askin me to do me a favour.. isnt this sad? lol.. mom's a generous person.. but not to me.. mom told me she spends about 1000+ a month on my brother.. on his PC games.. tht day she bought me a rm450 watch from swatch.. i told her i would pay her bak., she told me immediately tht this is my birthday present.. she knows tht i wanted an Ipod so long ago.. talking about Ipod.. she promised to buy an Ipod since this year july.. but until now.. wht have i got? my brother complained to me few months ago tht she promised my brother to buy a new PC for my brother.. and she didnt buy for him.. immediately.. she bought for him a new PC.. rm3000++... isnt this more expensive than buying me an Ipod? my brother still can use his old PC whht... its still brand new u know?when i on the air con.. mom would tell me.. haiiyoorrr.. on so long the air con i'm sure ur dad will scold.. when my brother on the air cond for the WHOLE DAY.. she said nothing.. am i being sensitive or wht? i just want to be treated equally as my brother.. but i guess its impossible.. i just have to treat myself better and only me,myself and i can do this.. noone can ever bear to take this responsibility.. cuz i would never let my heart to be broken into shattered pieces again..

i'm so emo now.. i guess only God knows how emo i am.. just got scolded from mom.. not scolded.. lectured.. mom said.. "do u know how sinful the both of u are?'' but i know.. she points at me.. how sinful i am? i want to know.. she said this because she thinks that i mistreat my dog.. whenever or whatever happens to my dog.. i'm surely the one to blame.. everything will be pointed at me.. right at me.. never at my brother.. i remembered.. my brother and i wanted a dog so much 2 years ago.. my brother promised to help me whenever i needed help.. after we bought the dog.. my brother never did anything for the dog.. not even feeding the dog.. he would only play with the dog after i bathed the dog once in a blue moon.. whenever anything happens.. or rather i would like to say.. whenever there's something to do with my dog.. my mom would just scold me and tell me how sinful i am.. but she never even thought about my bro holds part of the responsibilities.. he agreed to buy the dog too.. he agreed to help too.. but what happened now? to b honest.. i'm reli disappointed.. trully disappointed at my mom.. all these while.. ever since we had our dog.. i'm the one who fed the dog.. she helped too.. early in the morning.. i'm the one who cleared the dog shit.. i'm the one who bathed the dog.. i'm the one who did everything! alone.. ALONE.. i remembered once.. when she told me how sinful i am.. i ''reminded'' here that my bro holds part of the responsibilities too.. he promised to help.. he promised to take care of the dog.. and u know wht she said? she said my brother is just too young to do all these things.. i'm the sister.. so i just have to do it.. for my brother.. lol.. and it's because i'm a female.. lol.. she's a female too,ryte?

aside from that.. i reli had an unhappy childhood.. i had a really bad father.. a flowery-heart father.. a father who's not rich and yet he's still so flowery heart.. a bad-tempered father.. reli bad tempered.. remember once when i was still a kid.. i accidentally spilled the milo on the floor.. and i was traumatized.. i was so worried that he would beat me... and he did.. he did beaten up.. and there was a scare on my leg.. my classmates saw it.. n they made joke of it.. and i remembered everyone were laughing at me.. mom told me that when i was a kid.. i woundn't want to sleep at nite.. i would wait till my dad comes home.. and he would carry me on his back and sing to me.. then oni i would sleep.. to b honest, it still haunts me.. whenever i think bout it.. i would really cry.. i'm a person who cries alot.. but i control my tears.. control my tears from rolling down to my cheek.. and i guess thts wht makes me strong.. whenever i feel like crying.. i would just ask myself to calm down.. talking bout unhappy childhood.. i was a gal with reli bad results.. academic results.. dad would insult me infront of my brother.. infront of my relatives.. and thts wht makes my brother look down at me.. thts wht made him to look down at me or do not respect me as his sister.. dad was a really bad guy.. he had always been playing lotsa gals out there.. and i remembered that my parents always fight.. until now.. they're still fighting over little things.. and i get really annoyed.. whenever they're fighting.. i would get involved into their arguments.. i will be dragged into their arguments to be precise.. seriously, i do not stand at which side.. neither my mother's side nor my father's side.. cuz.. i really needed and wanted some peace at home.. i just want some peace and harmony life! this made my mom to think that i always stand at my father's side.. and she would tell her frens and our relatives tht i'm her daughter who did not stand at her side.. then her frens would say tht i'm such a useless daughter who do not know how to stand against my father.. lol.. sometimes elders just thought tht they know everything.. they would say tht i was once a kid.. once a teenager like u.. i know wht u're thinking.. let me tell you this, anyone who is reading this post now.. no matter are u a parent or anyone, you would never know wht's hidden in a person's heart nor mind.. i'm actually hiding in my heart all these while.. i try not to exposed too much of myself to everyone.. i keep everything to myself.. and i mean EVERYTHING.. my true feelings especially.. my dad is someone he thought he's great.. the i'm-just-so-great type.. or mayb easily satiesfied.. a dad who always looks down at me.. whenver i tell him about my dreams and ambitions.. he would not support me like those fathers out there would.. he would just tell me tht i cant and so on.. but i guess this is his way of supporting me.. my dad changed his attitude to me.. ever since i got 5A's in my pmr.. he started to change his attitude to me.. i guess its bcuz he started to c me as a diff gal i think.. dad is a guy who would not use his gifted brains to think.. no offence.. listen to my reason.. i told him i wanted to go to Australia to study.. to pursue my law degree.. cuz malaysia lawyer nid an overseas cert to prove tht ur good.. thts wht my mom's lawyer told her.. wht he said was to ask me not to dream so early and he said he wont allow me to go.. u know why? cuz its all about money again.. money is reli important i guess.. and it is important i know.. when i told him tht i would get a scholarship just to go overseas to study.. he kept quiet.. he changed his point of view.. so is this wht we call as being materialistic? my father is those kinda guy who gives more care and attention to the son in the family.. and thts true.. 2 thumbs up from everyone in my family.. i guess my relatives could surely c this since the beginning of everything.. since my bro was still a kid.. as an evidence, my dad would buy my bro birthday present every year.. he would ask my brother wht he wanted every year.. but when it comes to me.. he wouldn't even bother to ask.. even if i take the initiative to tell him.. he wouldn't even bother to care.. or he would just tell me he doesnt have tht much money ok.. as an example.. when i was in form3, i begged for a mp3.. its around rm500++.. he shared with my mother.. last year.. he did not bother to buy me anything.. this year.. he did not bother to buy me anything too.. izit bcuz i'm growing up so birthday isn't important anymore? grown ups do not care bout celebrating their birthday anymore izit? this year.. my birthday.. i was on veggie.. mom bought a small piece of cake and i blew the candles.. then mom gave the whole piece of cake to her colleagues.. lol.. is this an insult?

my stack of CDs.. hmm.. dramas.. songs.. and thanks wei.. for the Kim Jung Hoon's CD.. love it!

and lastly.. its my sofa bed.. from Ikea.. m trying to get rid of this bed after moving to my new house.. it's just TOO small for me.. lol

God!! save me! lol.. enough enough.. *smacks myself* garhh.. i wanted to get SO many things recently.. and its really alot.. i'm financially broke.. i've been buying too many things in this month.. and this is only the beginning of the month.. i think i better stop spending soo much money.. or i'll be sold to the prostitude shop very very soon.. no joke.. or maybe i should just go and get some rich guys.. and seduce them to be my boyfriend.. then make them love me.. then let them pay for my bills.. alll right.. i think it's enough... i better stop dreaming.. i think i've really been watching too many Korean Dramas.. i just bought 2 dramas today.. at klcc, tower records.. i'm always in klcc recently..

i should have bought another drama.. i think i'll just buy it some other time.. when i have more money.. yeah.. MORE money.. money matters recently.. sighh.. i need more money.. i just can't wait for SPM to end now.. so that i can start working.. to earn more money.. then i can buy alot, alot and alot of things that i want..

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